HeartRedeeming

I almost have too much pride to write this. I hate thinking that someone may think I actually still wish I was with my ex because that's not what this is about. I always remember the dates of certain pertinent events in my life. I remember the specific days I found out traumatic information during my marriage. I remember anniversaries....even of my friends. There's a part of me who doesn't want to act like those days bother me. I've done so much healing. I've even been in another relationship....and remember all those dates too! So what is it that I'm struggling with? Today was my anniversary. I don't miss him or wish we were still together. I think I just feel wronged that someone made choices that changed the course of my life and made my life so hard, even still. He's remarried and I'm single, struggling to raise three kids alone. I love my kids and I love being their mom. But nobody should have to do this alone. The day is a reminder that someo

Something brought me to tears one day....the thought that we no longer have an intact family.  I don't grieve over my ex any more or anything like that. It's been 5 years. I'm healed from that specific relationship. But the realities of divorce remain. I don't know how to adequately describe the feeling of the family no longer being intact. It's not that we are never happy. It's not that we aren't still a family. It's almost like the emotional safety bubble that used to surround the family is gone. Saturday mornings used to feel so secure knowing we had a weekend ahead of us as a solid unit. We could comfortably exist alone. Now, Saturdays don't have that security. There's almost the feeling of wanting to grab onto another family in order to feel the same stability. It's hard to describe. I'd love to get another person's perspective on this who has been through divorce because I can tell it's a strong feeling in me, but I struggle

I am a little reluctant to talk about this because I don't want to sound like I'm placing any blame on the church. I've just realized over the last 5+ years how hard it is to be single in the church. And I know other singles feel the same. It isn't anybody's fault. I'm well aware that my involvement in church depends on me. I don't know what singleness in the church is like for someone that has never married. But for someone who is divorced, it's difficult. Most "singles" in churches are college aged/20's people. So what happens when you become single in your late 30's/40's? It has been a struggle for me to figure out where I fit.  When I was married, we were in the married couples group. Everyone had kids around the ages of our kids. We all had a lot in common.  Once I divorced, I couldn't go to the "married" group any more. But I was still in the same stage of life as those people. It's just tough to not only

Who would've thought that it would be so hard to find a partner after divorce?  When you are young, you don't really think about all the qualities you want in a marriage partner.  You just find someone you have chemistry with and and figure out how to make it work. After going through a divorce, you want to make sure you don't ever have to do that again so you try to find someone compatible. I am just shocked at how nearly impossible it is.  I think it's hard for everybody, but it's especially hard if you are a Christian and looking for someone who shares your convictions.  I waited a year and a half to even consider venturing into the dating world after my divorce.  Wanted to make sure I was healed first.  People always assume I'll find someone at church, but that hasn't happened.  The three men at my work are married.  So that left me looking online.  Don't judge me. All the singles are doing it. So as a girl wanting to honor God even in my dating

Nobody who goes through a divorce expects to. We all think we'll be together forever. But when one person in the marriage acts or wants to be single, both people in the marriage become single.  It's so shocking right after divorce. When two become one in marriage, they are never meant to become two again. It's like ripping apart something fused together.  It's painful. It hurts. I know a few people going through that right now. I remember how hard it was. You don't have your "person" that you tell everything to any more. You don't have someone to text lovey things to. You don't have an automatic "date" to events or just someone to hang out with at night or on weekends. You don't have someone next to you in bed. I think the worst part is knowing you are going through the worst pain you've ever experienced and the person who should be holding you while you cry is the one causing you pain. It breaks my heart when I hear about anyo

That's my tambourine! I love it.  It's a symbol of hope and expectancy. It's hard to admit it but I woke up feeling sorry for myself.  I'm tired of struggling in life: finances, parenting alone, not sharing life with a partner. Some days I just allow myself to struggle.  I got out of bed and the first thing I did was to get on my knees and fall on my face before God.  I told Him that I don't want my life to be hard any more. I asked for some relief. I've struggled off and on all day.  Some days are just worse than others. I saw a family in an RV taking a summer camping trip and it made me wish I had an intact family with 2.5 kids, a husband and wife, and summer vacation plans. What would it be like to be a "normal" family again? I don't even know.  I know, I know.  We are still a family.  But it's different. Anyway, my day of struggle reminded me of my tambourine.  I got it for my birthday. I had bought one for one of my closest friends on h

    I had the privilege of hearing Casting Crowns perform at a Christian music festival last night. It was an amazing performance. As they sang this song, it reminded me of all the people I know who have gone through the pain of infidelity and divorce.  Sometimes it's hard for me to face how common it is. It seems like I know at least one marriage facing it all the time now. As I sang this song, I was reminded of the many late nights when I'd be laying awake in my bed, in the dark, crying and feeling alone, but knowing God was with me.  There were so many people who cared for me, but even the people who cared had lives.  They couldn't be there every night for the deep anguish. The song was a good reminder that you aren't alone even when you feel alone in the dark, in your bed at midnight, sobbing deep tears...even when the Kleenex accumulation under your bed makes you wonder if you'll ever be better. My favorite line was "cause this is the valley, and even

I've wrestled with a thought several times over the last year.  I know that God is good.  I know that He wants to bless His people.  I've seen His blessings many times in my life in various ways.  But when I think about the specific way I've been so hurt in my life, it makes me question his goodness in that area.  It's not that I question whether He's good.  I question His goodness to ME in that specific area.  I guess this is part of the age old thing people wrestle with.  If God is good, why does He let bad things happen to people? After so many years of hurt in my marriage, I wrestled with this issue somewhat but knew I was on the path to healing once it was over.  But then after feeling like I did everything the right way after my divorce: grieving the loss, working hard to heal and waiting to venture back into the dating world until I knew I was healed, I thought I was done feeling pain in that area.  I searched long and hard for a man who was truly following G

As we were worshiping on Sunday at church, a question popped into my mind as we sang a song called "Alive in You" by Jesus Culture.  I was singing the words..."From beginning to the end, you deserve the glory", and I thought...Is Jesus worthy of my praise even if I never receive the earthly blessings I desire?  Tears fell from my eyes the moment I thought that.  I knew the answer was yes. Sometimes I wonder if the weight of life that I've experienced for so many years will get better here on earth.  Even if it doesn't, I know I will still praise Him. His worthiness doesn't change if he doesn't give me the desires of my heart. Scripture teaches in many passages like Proverbs 3:1 that if we follow the Lord, we will prosper.  It also teaches that if we turn away from God, there are disastrous consequences like in Proverbs 1:23-32.  The hard part is continuing to praise Him even when things are still hard.  After long periods of difficulty, we grow w

It's funny that I'm writing this right now because I'm actually sitting at Coffee Bean (really living it up...I wish this blog had the laughing face with tears emoji), which will contradict what I'm going to say (well, sort of), but I was thinking of this thought earlier this afternoon.  How come when you are single and in your 40's, people think you should have the social life of a 20 old? Hahaha. Really, why is that? When I was married, nobody asked what big plans I had on Friday or Saturday night.  People just assumed I was being a married mom and doing something with the family.  Sitting home, having dinner and watching TV was acceptable.  But if I'm single, I'm supposed to have a hot date, be hanging out at a bar, or be at a concert?  A year or so ago, my neighbor asked me why I was sitting home on a Saturday night. What I wanted to say to him was, "You see, Mike, I'm a mom in my 40's. My married friends have families. So I'm just her

After complaining about being unhappy, I threw my bike in my car before heading to work and drove to the beach when I was done.  It was beautiful there.  It sounds so dumb, but riding along in the sun with the wind blowing in your face is such a good feeling. I wish I could do it every day!

I cringe even writing that title.  I know what Christians thinks of that question.  I guess that's why I'm blogging, though.  So many people, like me, are trying to process their real feelings even when others don't think we should feel what we are feeling. Single people understand this struggle with contentment. It's usually the married people who have the answers about what I should be thinking and feeling in my singleness. People have good intentions. But you just can't understand a situation fully unless you are living it. The same married people who have the answers about contentment in singleness are the ones who struggle when their spouse is away on business or make comments about how they'd never want to be single again. I'll admit it.  I was happy when I was married (for the first many years), and I'm not very happy now that I'm single.  Are those two things correlated?  All of the pain I've experienced over the last 10 years stems from

I've always liked writing and have been able to express my feelings in writing. Blogging has two purposes for me: it gets all the thoughts out of my head and it's a reminder that maybe someone else will benefit from what I'm processing. There's so many people hurting inside but pretending like everything is OK. I always wished I could hide my feelings, but I can't. God is working on a "heart redeeming" process in me right now. I've been in a desert season for 10 years....a marriage that had such a painful last few years, divorce, grief, single parenting, being single in general, getting back into dating and trying to do it completely God's way, but facing betrayal again....honestly I hate the desert and I want to be in the Promised Land. I wish I had all the answers and a happy ending to report (I'm anxious to report that eventually), but for now, I'll get these thoughts out as I walk through the desert.